Boundaries

Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

Are you in control of your life? Do people take advantage of you? Do you have trouble saying no?

Christians often focus so much on being loving and giving that they forget their own limits and limitations. Have you ever found yourself wondering:

Can I set limits and still be a loving person?

How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money?

Why do I feel guilty when I consider setting boundaries?

In this Gold Medallion Award-winning book, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend give you biblically based answers to these and other tough questions, and show you how to set healthy boundaries with your parents, spouses, children, friends, co-workers, and even yourself.

I found this book extremely helpful because it is loaded with such practical advice. I highly recommend it if you ever struggle with saying no to anyone in your life. Not too long ago, I found myself in a sticky situation. I was struggling to set boundaries with someone in my life, and my stress levels were rising fast. So what did I do? I prayed about it, of course. I spoke to some close friends for support and advice; and I ate copious amounts of chocolate. But after all that, I still felt in such emotional turmoil, I still felt like I didn’t know how to deal with the situation, and it made me feel restless. But then God led me to this little gem of a book.

I can’t say that it magically took away all my boundary problems, but God definitely worked through it to calm my nerves and help me see things from a different perspective. It felt like I was lying on a couch, getting a personal therapy session to help me tackle my problem. I felt like I had finally found someone who understood what I was going through, someone who could put my feelings into words, and give me sound advice and tools to help me.

I learnt so many helpful things from this book: It taught me how to tell the difference between burdens and loads. That we need to help carry each other’s burdens but each one should carry their own load. And that if we carry someone’s load, we actually do them a disservice by stopping their personal growth. Plus we run the risk of building up resentment toward them. It taught me that a healthy boundary is one that lets the good in and pushes the bad stuff out. And that not having healthy boundaries can cause depression. And my favorite lesson was that:

“You cannot change others, but you can influence others. You can change yourself so that their destructive patterns no longer work on you.”

But this book isn’t just for people who know they struggle with boundary problems. This book will help you evaluate whether you have healthy relationships in all areas of your life. The weird thing is that you might not realize you have boundary problems. For example, you might have no problem saying no to your spouse, but not realize you have an unhealthy relationship with your parents or co-workers. Or you might not realize that you are putting a strain on your relationships by violating other people’s boundaries without even meaning to.

I also liked the format of this book. Throughout the book you have these little breaks for case studies. I found this helpful because it allows you to get practice for how to apply these lessons to the everyday situations you will encounter.

There were, however, some minor issues that brought my rating slightly down. Firstly, there were some instances where I struggled to see a clear connection between their teachings and the bible verses they had linked to those teachings. Secondly, I wasn’t sure if I agreed with one or two of their viewpoints in their discussions on the topic of boundaries with God. And finally I felt that the last bit of the book dragged a bit, and so it took me a long time to finish.